Rescue me from mundanity my lover
You have always been on my mind, since I first never knew you
A hot Arizonan night, walking an endless blacktop desert road looking at the stars above us
Each one a soft salty kiss on your dry warm lips. The desert moon so full like a cold dead face hanging oppressively above our small lives, our small intense love.
Jumping a flatbed to Denver or Austin, Us sharing a pint of rotgut to keep the cold desert night from our hearts and welcoming Jack into our souls.. Wish Sal was here..Sharing the scent of our travel sweat..
And through Missouri…Wish I had a crystal ball..Could see your face so much better…The clarity of knowing.
Travelling together…Carolinan odyssey…White beaches. Reading my own lovelorn lonely poetry to you under the shade tree…In a town square full of civil war memories…Oppression..Domination.
But we laugh it off…Both of us we are no Martin Luther Kings to exorcise injustice. Only mine.
Lover…Meet me soon…You are too often in my sad dreams…Never in my love enveloping arms.
Your face is always behind a veil of not knowingness
I plead…Rescue me from mundanity
A cold clear Scandinavian night…Jagged shimmering lights in a northern sky…
And you are with me…As always..Holding my small workworn fingers in your own..I feel you now.
Tracing ‘Jeg elsker dig’ on the back of my hand with a slender loving fingertip.
Riding the train…A city…Somewhere…Entering a city…A no hope city…No verdancy.
Watching the evening lit windows from the train…Life going on out there in those small windows
In those rushing past snapshots…Secrets.Lust.Hate.Mundanity…Cos it’s always there..Perhaps in me too although with you ….
I banish it…And, and, and yes I am waiting for you…Please come..
Riding the bus in England’s sad heart..Second city blues…Am I in my own sad England?
Minarets fill the vista of a crumbling slowly disintegrating society…Full of dark faces.
I love them you say..They bring us our own destruction..New Anglo-Saxons
Slowly taking over…And you smile and tell me a story about your younger years…
Lover I know you so well…We talk most nights…You hold me close…so close I can feel your heart,
Can feel your breath on my cheek as you whisper to me in my loneliness. My penance for not meeting you yet.
I can’t even imagine your name..But I hear your voice and like everything in my life
Are you too late..
Lover please…Save me from mundanity..And I will rescue you from a life of not having me.
Can you see me now? Can you feel me? Do my words echo in meaningless voids..
Perhaps I am writing this for you now..
Do you know me…A red grape…A Tuscan dream..A red stain on you white blouse.
Blood of your heart or spilled wine…But a smile that says I don’t care..I am with you..
Yes. Yes our morning..Driving to some job
Left you this morning…Skinny legs sticking out from under the duvet.Hair in your face.
A mess…But my mess..Love tossed bed…
But moving on…and life goes on
A hot tropical night, different stars in heaven
We tell each other tales of wanting
And love, even needing and possession but
So close but not the one
And save me from mundanity..Lover..
And moving on..Are you with me lover? Not yet.
Are you the same as me? Seeing sense in darkness. Love in a gesture.
Been over eight months since we separated now
And I am getting ‘missing you’ pains
I miss the way you felt in my hands as I caressed you
I miss watching every move
Every noise you made
Your smell and the way you sounded as I pushed all the right buttons
The late nights we spent together
Just you and me..Together as one
I know sometimes I swore at you but that was only frustration at your strange ways
Sometimes I see you in my mind and my fingers twitch…
Yearning to touch you again
Through all the pain you caused me
But it was worth it always as you filled me equally with such joy..
Omigod Yes…I really miss you my XBox 360….
Can you tell?
Do you know?
To be suddenly alone…It burns
My heart it burns.
To be alone
Is lost in fog …That muffled sound
When nothing is clear
And everything dear has gone
Those that meant everything go by the by
Leave you… yes alone, totally alone
Stumbling through white layers of cold mist
Of your own doing
Your own fault
And you blame yourself for everything
Self induced tears brought on by yourself
Because you made decisions
You stood by them… Nailed them to your mast
You suffered by them
You gained the pain of that callousness
Of your own heart and soul
And even then things get darker still
The ringing of a fog crazed bell
Seems to guide you
To a dark and pain filled hell
No music here
No voices filled with hope
No happiness. No apologies
No thoughts other than your own
And you stumble on…Lead weighted feet
Pain wracked mind…and body through your own
Self disgust nips at your painful heels
As you wander aimlessly
In self perpetuating pain
As cold hard voices whisper
Viciously to your ears
No faces .. no lips
Just hate spat out of indeterminate voices
Behind you..Out of sight
And you cannot answer back
You deserve their scorn
Revel in it
Bathe in that disdain, like a warm pool
An old friend… Personal loathing
Of yourself and all you do
So walk on into hell my friend
You are so welcome here
You’ve joined the club
You’ve joined right up
And now you can see the fear
Mocking voices quieten
You will fit in so well here.
Further to my post about Christmas my friend Kath pointed me in the direction of this song. Take a listen it is truly beautiful. It is by Dar Williams and is entitled The Christians and the Pagans.
Don’t forget to visit Kath’s blog at DrivingMadMenCrazy.
Also Kath has released a book of her beautiful poetry at Lulu and you can buy it as hardcopy or download it for only £2.50. Just click here to visit her Lulu page.
Does such a thing as God exist?
Is there a God and what denomination is she?
Looked him up on MySpace and yes he is dwelling there.
And she must be omnipresent or is that he.
Maybe neither and I wondered if they cared.
They have so many web pages, thats God and Jesus Christ
And yes Jesus talks to me I know.
Because Billy Graham told me so.
And now I know he does because
I found him on Facebook too
And I talked religiously
With Jesus 103
Asked him about him dying for our sins?
Weren’t he just a little premature?
And I engaged him in discussion
Asked could he save my soul
Could I have a little blessing
Just to make my life whole
But he told me to Fuck Off!
Holy words indeed.
To send me off to sleep.
And now this morning comes alright
Wake up with a hangover
Too much whisky and religion last night
Never a healthy mix you see
And after an evening of asking too many unanswerable questions of a deity.
I wonder where I went wrong with Jesus 103
Last night I had it all. Doubt, self doubt, self loathing,
Even fear of losing myself all washed down with booze.
I know its a bad mix, but I took it and I wrote that bit of bitter verse.
This morning, bleary eyed and still with the same doubts and fears, I thought.
Haha. I’m not so stupid after all.
Why wouldn’t God have his own MySpace page?
A sort of confessional for this internet age.
Why can’t we IM him with our fears.
Get him to wash away our tears
I am going to put him in my buddy list….right away.
Before I start this whole new day.
I first posted this back in March on My Space. It is from my novel, Love Sex and Time Travel. It does seem that it has rather come back to haunt me….
I am Death. As I lay my hands upon life it withers.
I am Completion. All I start is finished.
I am Finality. The end is in everything that my cruel fingers touch.
I am Armageddon. The final reckoning for all that is love.
I am Execution. In all young things I see their demise.
I am Destruction. I can turn love to hate.
Feel the end in this in my cold dry kiss.
Whirlpools of vast loss
Empty spaces, everywhere empty spaces
No tears, I gave those up, just voids.
Things missing from this life
Just a plane ride away… distance no problem.
Just the heartache separating us is so painful
And I am so unhappy now, and I have to leave
One voice encourages me. All others …disapprove.
I have to leave, o my days I have to leave
Because one voice
One voice, her voice
I called her friend, I called her lover
But she is more
She is my sister
No matter what I throw at her
No matter how badly I behave
She is there. Without a doubt, she is always there
Just stupid me, not realising that she is there
Till darkest moments when I am alone in my own mind
Grasping for comfort, she appears as if I never left
I have no religion but her, and naaa I don’t deserve her
This was written towards the tail end of August this year, obviously before I knew about imminent changes.
Warmth still…In the weather and in my heart
But the nights draw in…even mornings start later
Is this it? Another Summer gone? A last belated burst of colour
This last holiday weekend ahead..A time to think to reminisce
To dream of those early summer days..Glorious outpourings of love
And changes in my life.. And yet now
The late summer blooms in the garden. Filling my heart with joy.
Yet sadness also for I know they will all too soon be gone
The coming nights will be cold and long
This past year has heralded so much change. So much loss.
So much gain..A year of such feeling..yet so much pain
Loved ones…Passed away and walked away.
Yet a new beginning? Yes I suppose
And the last of my summer is this weekend
Oh yes…We will still have good weather..Autumnal though
Indian summer perhaps but it’s still downhill to winters cold mists
Rolling in across fields of damp grass and shedding trees
The smell of burning leaves on bonfires and mornings cold damp dew
Muddy walks through muddy bare fields with mist for breath.
No more swallows or martens…All flown away
And why do I stay?
What do I see in this last summer weekend?
Perhaps renaissance..Perhaps new life from old
And this last remnant of summer..this last coming weekend
I will think…Of my life..Of new friends
Of creativity starting anew
Matt’s new tale..Transcending his old
And knowing his thoughts…yeah he’d relish the cold
Pull up his collar. Home to a scotch. Light up again.
“You have to. he grins…It all keeps me sane.”
Helps to keep playing life’s wicked game.
And so this past year..What have I done
Felt so much loss…But felt so much love
As never before..
And yeah summers last call
Make some decisions
For any friends on here…just a song I find myself listening to a lot lately. Dunno why. Just reminds me.
I personally love Christmas. Not because of it’s quasi religious connotations but because of it’s true meaning.
Christmas as we call it is actually a pagan ceremony. Yes it is. Where in the bible did Christ celebrate with Yule logs, Christmas trees, holly and ivy, mistletoe and all the other modern paraphenalia. These traditions are far older and probably druidic in tradition.
The true Christmas celebrates light from darkness and was set for the shortest day of the year (21 December) it has nothing to do with any virgin birth in the middle east. Basically the church hijacked the ceremony when it realized that it could not persuade the people to stop their true worship. I suppose they summed it up as ‘If you can’t beat them , join them’ and make it ours. As I have explained before religion is the original shyster politics, whether so called christian or islamic.(Lack of capitals intended)
But the true Christmas, or Midwinter festival as it should be called has far more sublimity attached to it than fake christian belief.
Even historians now believe that ancient sites such as Stonehenge did not celebrate midsummer but were astronomical alarm clocks for telling when it was the shortest day, not the longest and celebrating it.
The true Midwinter festival celebrated the changing of the year. From nights getting darker, to days getting longer. A time of spiritual or rather human re-birth. A time to celebrate the start of the run up to spring. Times were hard and they feasted on their stored food as the time to plant new crops arrived and decorated their homes with green things, such as holly and ivy and mistletoe, even fir trees. Probably some of the few green things in the Northern hemisphere in late December. Animals were killed to feast on not merely for ritualistic reason but because the previous years feed stuff would be low or almost out. So the sensible thing would be to kill and eat surplus livestock, keeping any remaining supplies for breeding stock for this new year.
And that is why I celebrate Midwinter festival. Rebirth of humankind. Rebirth of spirit and hope and the happiness of life starting over. Not for some pathetic excuse to force a false middle eastern religion on us all.
What is fear?
For me it is fear of rejection
When you place so much store on a person?
When you don’t know if they feel the same?
You want to pour your heart out to them
But something holds you back.
Fear of rejection
And it can be so hard
And you act the fool.When all the time you want to say
I want you in my life
I made mistakes I know.
But it comes out so differently
Comes out as just a joke
But still fear.