What Do I Deserve. 2009.

Time for another oldie tonight. I wrote this in 2009 and it is one of my all time favourites. Another Matt Spears inspired piece, exploring bitterness at life I suppose. Enjoy.

What do I deserve?

Little, some might say

I leave when I said Id stay

But thats me

Matt has nothing on me ha.

You might find me in a wine soaked corner

Broken cigarette between bitten smiling lips

And Sarcasm

I will give you sarcasm

And then smile cos you dont deliver.

Ha…Take my broken cigarette

Crush it on your carpet and light another

Tell you a story you have never heard before

About you and your problems

And so do I care?

Matt might have but he aint there

And look into my eyes. Pain? Ha

That aint pain, it is loss

I can handle that. I did before. I will again

Fifty five years and I get used to pain

Dont send you insane.

Just walk out the door, slam it even

Pull up the collar and say ….Fuckem

You wont pull me down. You cant hurt me

Cos I am used to it now. Have to be

And walk down the street

Glaring at street lights reflecting in rain spattered puddles

Daring them. Hating them

Just for being there.

Hearing noises of the late weekend night

Kicking garbage, coke can, and smiling.

And entering some sad local bar

Her in the corner? Too much lipstick, Cheap clothes

And I smile, pulling down my collar

Lean against the bar. Catch eyes.

Whisky…Large one OK?

And scan the lives in this neon lit hell

Talk to you. Sitting on the stool next to me

Putting your leg over the other as you grin at me

Tell me your story, might make me smile?

Ha. That you dont want. Would ruin your night

And I find a seat and enjoy the feeling of trainers

Yea sticking to beer drenched carpet

And think…let my mind wander

Shouldnt be let out on its own.

But suck back whisky and smile at the woman in the cheap clothes

Dare her to talk and feel her pain and want

Because deep down she is me. Lost and alone

Stan Rogers 2009

BLONDE HAIR.

You are beautiful my lover, my only lover

I watch the sunlight shine on your long blonde hair

As you lift that summer dress slowly over your head

Small crackles of static from your flowery summer dress

Long strands of hair static charged dance

Motes of dust swirl in the sunbeams around you

A halo of light, A smell of arousal is in the afternoon air

Your hair falls over those bare shoulders

Skin so soft, so enticing

I lean forward to gently kiss your neck

Lick the small freckles there, taste your salty sweat

As you smile that smile. That woman smile.

Mysterious and ancient. Simple but full of hidden suggestion.

A small sigh escapes you, and you bite your lower lip

It gets me every time … every time … arousal

I get a hint of your perfume, Anais Anais I think

And your skin, so soft, begs to be touched

So I run two fingers across your shoulder and down your arm

Across full breasts

Skin like cool silk under my fingertips

Her hair shines like gold in the afternoon sunlight as we lay back together.

‘’Now would be the ideal time to make love.’’

I smile at her suggestion

She knows I will not disagree.

And after

… we lay, basking in the late afternoon sunlight

Sweat slick bodies, a delightful red flush across her neck and breasts

And she grins

… ‘’You know your trouble Matt?’’

‘’ Which one Rommy? I possess a few.’’

We both know I am telling the truth.

… ‘’You are ugly Matt. But kinda cute ugly.’’

For that a butt slap is in order.

And after? … we doze until the sun goes down

I am in love with her

… she with me.

The world isn’t so bad.

 

© 2017 Stan M Rogers. All rights reserved.

 

 

RETURN TO BLIGHTY. Part 1

The months counted down and became weeks and then days. Arriving in Ohio for the first time back on that cold January day seemed so long ago. Me and Raven had done so many things together. Shared so much and seen so many places. But the time drew nearer and inexorably closer till I had to leave.

Last days. Still an eejit.

I suppose I started getting worried round about the beginning of June about three weeks before my departure. Apart from the fact I was going to have to leave my baby there was the flight. People who know me are well aware of my absolute terror of flying. I start worrying weeks before I have to fly and of course all possible disaster scenario’s parade through my mind. The usual terrorist bomb, an in flight fire raging out of control. The pilot and flight crew dying of food poisoning mid flight, even mid air collisions. More even bizarre scenario’s and every news item about aircraft and their mishaps is followed by me with ghoulish and unreasonable fear. Also we’d just had the Icelandic volcano ash cloud. That didn’t help. By the final week I was a gibbering wreck inside barely keeping it hidden from Kit, but she knew.

Just what i needed.

Every time I fly one of my first visits is to the docs for Valium. My little pre-flight sweeties, usually washed down with beer and G&T chasers. Even that seems to do little but I MANAGE IT. I am what is known as a stubborn git. No way will I give in to this unreasonable fear and I MANAGE IT. The funny thing is that as soon as I’m on board the latest metal behemoth of choice and possible death I am OK. All my worries seem so far away as the Beatles once sang. I become Matt Spears, seasoned international jet-setter. And I have certainly flown a few miles over the past year or two.

Great stuff...lol

But flight nerves aside as the clock ticked down to my leaving Ohio I would sit on the deck and looking out into the warm night I would remember. As crickets cricketed and fireflies performed their bright flights of love I looked back. Incredible times together as our love for each other grew stronger. We had visited Niagara Falls in Canada, The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Museum in Cleveland and other fantastic places but the times we spent alone together were the greatest. Watching TV snuggled up together on the sofa. Laying in bed at night talking and me reading to her. Making her lunch for work and slipping little love notes in. All of these times were so precious to me as I looked back on them as I sipped my beer on a warm Ohio night. But I looked back in sadness that this had to end for now at least. I did shed the odd tear as I remembered all this but I never showed them. I kept them to myself. But Kit knew this.

Lightning....not lightening...lol

And eventually the final morning came. Wednesday 23rd of June dawned hot and hazy. Humid with a promise of rain later. I hadn’t slept much as I rose and made tea for us. All of my nerves jangled. My mind was a mess and so I took my Valium. It seemed to help and soon we left for Columbus Airport. England were playing their last match of the group stages as were the USA that morning as we sat in the departure lounge. A small group watched the action in the bar. We had coffee and then I had beer. The nerves started to disappear but the sadness got worse.

On the way to the airport.

Eventually the Football ended. England and USA were through but narrowly and we all know how that ended but Kit and I sat and talked. We kept it upbeat although I was breaking inside. I visited outside for a smoke break and returned to find a Gin and Tonic. OMG I think there was about four measures in it. Kit knew my frailties and had issued me medication. Gawd bless her. The waitress we thought had to be related to Bette Midler. She was a young spitting image of Bette and we asked her to take pictures of us. She did.

But the minutes counted down. My flight was called and I had to go. We embraced and I couldn’t hold my tears back any longer. I didn’t want to leave but I had to. My visa had run out almost or I’d have stayed but well… that is life shitty though it is and we would see each other again soon. After the goodbyes were done I picked up my laptop. Straightened my hat and headed for the new full body scanner that had just been installed. Belt off. Laptop out. Pockets emptied and I walked through into the departure lounge without a beep. I could still see Kit and wiping my eyes I waved one last time. The sadness in her face mirrored mine but then I walked. Off to my flight and Newark Airport.

Ohio from 19,000 feet.

The flight was on time. The same Brazilian built Embraer aircraft we had arrived on. Just 57 seats. Just like a coach with wings. Sadness trumped my fear as we took off for the 90 minute flight to New York. The weather was good. I even took photos from the aircraft window and as we came in to land I got to see New York and the Statue of Liberty. We had missed it on the way in. And the flight was uneventful. I got myself a beer and the obligatory pack of salty pretzels before we landed.

Tis little. And noisy

New York was a nightmare. I phoned Kit to let her know I’d got there and searched for somewhere to smoke…..Nowhere….nada. So I made do with coffee and bought my duty frees. No temptation there at least as you only picked them up at the departure gate. So there I was The Only Living Boy in New York. Walking onto the enormous Continental Boeing 777 armed with booze vouchers. My medication. I didn’t want to fall for the same thing as on the way in. You can only get drinks on the flight with a credit card. Great stuff but the bloody visa machine broke down mid Atlantic so no more ‘drinkies’ for this guy on the way to the USA. This time I was armed with pre-paid vouchers (thank you baby). No bloody electronic failures would thwart this kiddo on the way back. Little did I know.

The take-off was smooth and I was still enjoying the tail end of my Valium/G&T . As I said before as soon as we were airborne I became Matt Spears, international frequent flyer and all was going well. I trolled through the seat back screen looking for films to watch and joked casually with my neighbors. The effects of my medication were wearing off ie the Gin and Tonics and I watched eagerly as the drinks trolley approached slowly, drinks voucher clasped tightly in my sweaty little mitt.

[Cabin Announcement] Please fasten your seat-belts. We are expecting a bit of turbulence ahead.
[Me] Eek!
The drinks trolley was just two rows in front of me. I willed it closer. We bumped.

[Cabin Announcement] Would all cabin crew please return to their seats and buckle in we are about to experience bad turbulence till we get over the Atlantic.(Sound of alarms in the flight deck)

[Me] Oh fuck!
I watched as … just out of reach the drink trolley was closed up and put away and the cabin staff beat a cowardly (in my view) retreat leaving me in a terrible condition … ie sober.

[Me] Oh bollux!

It started. Outside all looked good. The sun was a fiery ball setting behind Canadian clouds. The clouds looked cute grey and fluffy and many thousands of feet below us. And we hit it. As I said I have flown many thousands of miles recently over various continents but this was a cracker. We went up. We went down. We went up as we went down. We went sideways. We rolled. I even think we looped the loop. God knows how many hundred tons of metal and humans were tossed about like a ping-pong ball in a spin drier. Never in history have I gripped seat arms so tightly.

I tried to mentally will the by now securely strapped in flight attendant to bring me booze. No luck and then I realized that in a perverse kind of way I was enjoying this. People were swearing and praying as overhead lockers were popping open and I smiled. I was the Columbus Cowboy and I turned my mp3 player onto full volume and ‘Yehawwwwww’ . And an hour later it all went quiet.
The seat belt signs went out. The cabin crew resumed serving. I got my large one and breathed a sigh of relief. We even got dinner.

I even slept a little although aircraft seats are not designed for this. I am sure they just want to make sure you enjoy every damned minute. But the hours passed quietly and we saw the rising sun over Ireland. Shortly after we started our descent into Heathrow. After six wonderful months away I was almost back in blighty. What would it hold for me?

To be continued………….

UNTIL THE END OF TIME.

I have finally got around to sorting out an ISBN number for my latest book. It is 978-1-4461-6752-6.
It should pop up on Amazon soon but if you wish to buy it please use Lulu.com, Amazon seem to want to charge £6 extra per copy (of which I receive none)
If you do buy it enjoy and let me know what you think.
Did I mention that it is published in A4 format and is a beautiful addition to any coffee table as all of the cover art is done by me on this one.
Also don’t forget that my first novel LOVE SEX AND TIME TRAVEL. is also available on Lulu and Amazon….Enjoy.

I GAVE IT AWAY.

I Gave It Away.

Yes. I hurt
You hurt me
And you enjoyed my pain.
It really gave you joy
Didn’t it.

Sit on a bar step
Watching cars drive by
Red lights at the stop sign
Voices in the night walking by
As I drain one to many beers
In this hot night
The smell of food cooking … nearby

A couple walk by. Talking loudly
I smile. Sense their feelings
His anger… her resentment
As their raised voices pass away into the distance
Strangely I can still hear her heels on the cracked sidewalk
Long after their voices die

Did I learn? Yes I did.
Damn. I learned well
Another cigarette. Another contemptuous sigh
Time for whisky. And remembrance
Knowing I won’t find my way home tonight

The hot night stifles me. My mind. My thoughts
Wish it would rain
And wash this part of town clean
But it won’t and the sweat runs down my back
Soaked shirt.

It’s painful to rise. To enter the loveless bar.
My place. My hell. My penance.
Music playing from within.
Wrenching my heart from my chest
But I can only smile
And order whisky

Throw cash over the bar
Sit down in a bulbless corner
Relishing the dark. Comfortable in shadow
I only need the courage to say Yes I can do this and the strength to say No I am not afraid.
But I fail myself
I feel myself in ruins

Tears won’t come
Just shaking. The pain of numbness
No answers to questions asked
Just dumbness
Loss of my own mind
And respect? Ha. No
I didn’t lose it. I gave it away …

© 2010 Stan Rogers

THUNDERBUGS.

THUNDERBUGS.

I watched as you left
You unlatched the gate
Awkward fingers and you smiled
You looked behind
But I knew you were going
I knew you wouldn’t be back

The day was warm so warm
I remember the thunder bugs
We had made love
But we hadn’t talked. So Close
But…..yea cliche…so far apart
Your kisses held no passion
My words held no conviction
Not even hurt
Just a sense of no purpose

Why did we get into this?
I forget. That I lost
Between the walks and the loss
We forgot how love felt
We lost the stars in our eyes

And I breathe out slowly
As I watch you walk away.
That hair and coat I knew so well
Will I cry? How can I?
I am as guilty as you this day.

©2009 Stan Rogers

LOVE SEX AND TIME TRAVEL

My book LOVE SEX AND TIME TRAVEL is not strictly a science fiction novel. More of a bittersweet romance mystery.

Here is a small excerpt from Chapter 7 exploring some theories on the viability of time travel.

Originally it was believed inconceivable that time travel was possible, as any action back in time would cause a paradox. The classic explanation quoted is that if you go back in time and kill your grandfather before he met your grandmother then your father would not be born and you could not therefore be born to travel back in time to kill your grandfather. I supposed that this could also apply here to with Romilly and me. If Romilly and I changed history by getting together and not splitting up this time then I wouldn’t marry Elaine and be where I was in 2007 to go back to meet Romilly. Nice little explanation of a time paradox that, but quantum theory allows for a multiversity of infinite universes side by side all branching out from each other and taking different paths from each different action taken and even rejoining as they come back into line.
So if I go back to kill my grandfather then I will cease to exist in that universe but in another I don’t kill him and so go on existing and don’t go back to kill him. Two new universes then exist, one with me in it and the other without. It gets a bit trickier to understand after that, but it seems these different time universes called ‘branes’ by the scientists can theoretically co-exist physically as little as a millimetre apart and there are an infinite amount of them too. By infinite I mean never ending too not just a very large amount either.
I read about quantum computers which we are apparently only a matter of time away from building. They are no faster than an ordinary computer but by using quantum mechanics they can dash off into hyper space and perform their calculation returning instantly with the answer a billion times or more all at the same time, time is irrelevant to them which is going to get a lot of governments worried as no passwords will be safe with them. For example say you have a 10,000 number password protecting your files or even a million then it won’t matter to a quantum computer. It can try every one of the millions of different combinations instantly and simultaneously. Don’t take my word for it. Look it up, it’s all on the internet.
But if any of you budding Doctor Who’s out there think it would be a cool Saturday morning’s work to nip out into the shed in the back garden and knock up a quick Tardis so you can nip back in time to place a bet on the lottery after getting the results, forget it, because although at least possible in theory to build one it would need the power of a black hole to power it up. It ain’t gonna be going nowhere on a few quid’s worth of unleaded I’m afraid. Also who can say if these universes have the same lottery results either?
But anyhow sitting there mulling these mind boggling thoughts over I started to think about dreams, another subject full of theory as to the mechanics and meanings of them. I even remembered reading many years ago about astral projection, which basically allows for the idea that by training the mind to enter a trance state the mind can leave the body and travel around at will. If different but similar branches of the same universe could be so close then maybe in a dream state couldn’t we maybe step from one to the other? In fact couldn’t dreams or even astral projection actually be that sometimes? Insights into a parallel universe that is right beside us. Little sleeping mind trips to a different universe or reality? Could that be what I was experiencing, not a trip back in time but just a small step to a close but slightly different reality in another time universe? My head tried to get around it but just found it so hard to understand it all. Also for instance if there were infinite numbers of universes co-existing would it not be a pretty small chance that Romilly and I had met up in the same one. Wouldn’t that make it statistically impossible I thought? But by following the theories through I realized that all I had just researched allowed for an infinite multiplicity of Romilly’s and even of me’s. Statistically impossible becomes possible maybe even probable. It’s like the old chestnut about being given an infinite amount of time a group of monkeys could type the entire works of Shakespeare. O My God I needed a drink to even start to get my head around that one. But was there any way I could test the theory myself? All of a sudden it came to me. Maybe there was. Just maybe there was a way that I could. But I would need to be back in 1981 to do it first.

What I Deserve

What do I deserve?

Little, some might say

I leave when I said I’d stay

But that’s me

Matt has nothing on me ha.

You might find me in a wine soaked corner

Broken cigarette between bitten smiling lips

And Sarcasm

I will give you sarcasm

And then smile cos you don’t deliver

Ha…Take my broken cigarette

Crush it on your carpet and light another

Tell you a story you have never heard before

About you and your problems

And so do I care?

Matt might have but he ain’t there

And look into my eyes. Pain? Ha

That ain’t pain, it is loss

I can handle that. I did before. I will again

Fifty five years and I get used to pain

Don’t send you insane

Just walk out the door, slam it even

Pull up the collar and say ….Fuck’em

You won’t pull me down. You can’t hurt me

Cos I am used to it now. Have to be

And walk down the street

Glaring at street lights reflecting in rain spattered puddles

Daring them. Hating them

Just for being there.

Hearing noises of the late weekend night

Kicking garbage, coke can, and smiling

And entering some sad local bar

Her in the corner? Too much lipstick, Cheap clothes

And I smile, pulling down my collar

Lean against the bar. Catch eyes.

Whisky…Large one OK?

And scan the lives in this neon lit hell

Talk to you. Sitting on the stool next to me

Putting your leg over the other as you grin at me

Tell me your story, might make me smile?

Ha. That you don’t want. Would ruin your night

And I find a seat and enjoy the feeling of trainers

Yea sticking to beer drenched carpet

And think…let my mind wander

Shouldn’t be let out on its own.

But suck back whisky and smile at the woman in the cheap clothes

Dare her to talk and feel her pain and want

Because deep down she is me. Lost and alone

©Stan Rogers 2009

Blues Comedown.

I wrote this in 1980 after a night of too many amphetamines, a frequent occurrence for me back in those far off days. Fortunately not long after this I realized the damage I was doing to myself both physically and mentally and stopped. To put the date in perspective, it was only a few weeks before John Lennon’s murder.

I also printed the poem in my novel Love Sex and Time Travel.

BLUES COMEDOWN
Midday Saturday 15th November 1980
I’m trying to sleep, I want to but can’t
I’m grinding my teeth and my head feels aslant
I just want to sink into a warm black hole
Got blues comedown again, killing my soul
Up all night again, did lots of those pills
Speeding and boozing, a night full of thrills
It adds up to losing and that’s what I’m doing
Feels so great when I’m up there, flying so high
Everything’s right but it’s only that way
Till the end of the night, the beginning of day
This morning’s cold dawn really brought me down
Couldn’t get off again, from my blues come down
I’m trying to rest, please get me out of this rut
My eyes won’t stay open but I can’t keep them shut
I know that my brains only firing on three
It’s all out of time; it’s not part of me
I wish I could sleep, just keep moving around
Tossing and turning with blues comedown
I say to myself No never again but tonight’s a new night
And I’ll speed just the same
And enjoy it because it’s all part of the game
I’ll feel like a king and just boogie around
But then comes tomorrow
And the same blues comedown.

Matt’s Last Call.

This was written towards the tail end of August this year, obviously before I knew about imminent changes.

Warmth still…In the weather and in my heart
But the nights draw in…even mornings start later
Is this it? Another Summer gone? A last belated burst of colour
This last holiday weekend ahead..A time to think to reminisce
To dream of those early summer days..Glorious outpourings of love
And changes in my life.. And yet now
The late summer blooms in the garden. Filling my heart with joy.
Yet sadness also for I know they will all too soon be gone
The coming nights will be cold and long
This past year has heralded so much change. So much loss.
So much gain..A year of such feeling..yet so much pain
Loved ones…Passed away and walked away.
Yet a new beginning? Yes I suppose
And the last of my summer is this weekend
Oh yes…We will still have good weather..Autumnal though
Indian summer perhaps but it’s still downhill to winters cold mists
Rolling in across fields of damp grass and shedding trees
The smell of burning leaves on bonfires and mornings cold damp dew
Muddy walks through muddy bare fields with mist for breath.
No more swallows or martens…All flown away
And why do I stay?
What do I see in this last summer weekend?
Perhaps renaissance..Perhaps new life from old
And this last remnant of summer..this last coming weekend
I will think…Of my life..Of new friends
Of creativity starting anew
Matt’s new tale..Transcending his old
And knowing his thoughts…yeah he’d relish the cold
Pull up his collar. Home to a scotch. Light up again.
“You have to. he grins…It all keeps me sane.”
Helps to keep playing life’s wicked game.
And so this past year..What have I done
Felt so much loss…But felt so much love
As never before..
And yeah summers last call
Make some decisions
That’s all.

For any friends on here…just a song I find myself listening to a lot lately. Dunno why. Just reminds me.