A few people have asked me if I am happy about going through divorce. Will I celebrate when it goes through? Will I be glad when it is over?To be honest? No I won’t. Even though I initiated it I see divorce as the sum of two people’s failure. No winners, only losers. What is there to crow about, to celebrate? I will not celebrate it.
It is years of love and shared tears, good times, loving times, finally bought to an end by some anonymous bureaucrats who know nothing of the real story.
What I do know is that it is painful… for me at least. I keep my everyday thoughts close to my own self. I am very alone at the moment so I cannot share that pain and sometimes the sheer momentousness of the path I have chosen leads me to question everything.
Yes. I have made the right decision to end it, as much for her as for me. I did try one last time but it was clear that we had both changed, both needed to move on. There would have been no point in carrying on the charade that our love had become.
I do in the quieter moments wonder if we could have tried harder. I do miss her touch, her smile, the sheer pleasure of being with her but then I remember the bad times. Angry words, and the feeling of utter pointlessness.
And so no. I will not be celebrating divorce from someone that I felt would be in my life forever. Yes I will always love her. How could I not? But it had reached its end.
So when it is over it will be more of a wake. I will remember the good times and raise a glass to her.
It will be gone but never forgotten, until the end of time.
What is to celebrate?