Darkness of a summer’s warm night, but,
Stars so bright, so clear,
Looking up for the moon and no it isn’t there.
Not till later, not till I want it to be I think
And I look back … in anger no.
Anger is not in this vocabulary.
Fear and loss yes in my own lexicon, emptiness even.
Yeah … you know the feeling. We have been there before.
You know. Between loss and sorrow?
That old one way street.
One track mind, as usual, as bloody usual. Yea always.
Visiting lovers graves, long gone … Oh yes long gone.
Disappeared long ago into an ever more black and white past
I want my moon to rise
And always it does
To let me grasp it in my hands, and such hands?
Anonymous unfeeling hands of gold? No.
And God? No gods. Naa… no one up there on the millionth floor loves me.
Cos I never woke up and smelt bloody coffee, not once.
Don’t need caffeine to torture my mind further. Never have
Does it on its sweet lonesome. Pain without stimulus.
Stimulus without pain? Yea I can live with that.
Not easily. Not simply…. But alone.Sometimes.
Sometimes life kind of kicks you in the teeth.
What you thought would happen doesn’t
A friendship you thought would become more than that
Pops like a cheap balloon, well not even a pop
More of a whimper
But my life is full of that occurrence
I do build up expectations, I do believe in things
That never come to pass
I feel such elation at what has never been
And fantasize how things will be. Put my heart on the line maybe.
I find it hard … so hard to put my personal feelings down
To someone I care for.
Perhaps being an only child. A lonely child
Has left me dysfunctional with relationships
I have to put my guard up. Treat my feelings with humour
Play the joker
And a song springs to mind with me
Tears of a clown … So apt as Smokey sang it
His words, my feelings.
These are those words …
“Now if there’s a smile on my face
It’s only there trying to fool the public
But when it comes down to fooling you
Now honey that’s quite a different subject
But don’t let my glad expression
Give you the wrong impression
‘Cause really I’m sad, Oh I’m sadder than sad
Well I’m hurt and I want you so bad
Like a clown I appear to be glad ooh yeah
Well they’re some sad things known to man
But ain’t too much sadder than
The tears of a clown when there’s no one around
Oh yeah, baby baby, oh yeah baby baby
Now if I appear to be carefree
It’s only to camouflage my sadness
And honey to shield my pride I try
To cover this hurt with a show of gladness
But don’t let my show convince you
That I’ve been happy since you
‘Cause I need to go, oh I need you so
Look I’m hurt and I want you to know
For others I put on a show …
Just like Pagliacci did
I try to keep my surface hid
Smiling in the crowd I try
But in a lonely room I cry
The tears of a clown
When there’s no one around, oh yeah, baby baby
Now if there’s a smile on my face
Don’t let my glad expression
Give you the wrong impression
Don’t let this smile I wear
Make you think that I don’t care”
And yeah those words are me.
Words laced with sadness, cheap whiskey and longing for a person you are too afraid to tell you love.
So teenaged and I suppose I am the eternal 55 year old teenager
Kevin and Perry personified
So how can I feel. How do I feel.
Well nothing. I am Virgo I let things ride.
Keep on hiding feelings
Had 55 years experience of that
I keep getting asked… “Why are you an Atheist?”
I am actually I suppose a very Spiritual person but my God is a loving God unlike the Christian/Muslim or similar deist inventions.
My God lives in us, in me, in you and we are part of him..as he is also a part of us
He is all around us in the smallest bacteria and in the largest Galaxy, the microcosm and the macrocosm is God
My God has no earthly church and if he were able to he would laugh at people gathering together to worship him and ask his forgiveness..
This is what I would imagine my God saying
I gave you life and free will. If you think you do wrong then ask forgiveness of yourself and the person you have wronged not me.
I do not want you to worship me in churches of stone or other construction but rather see me and glory in creation as you look to the beauty of the sky, the beauty of this earth, and the beauty of a lover’s touch or a child’s smile.
Churches are sterile places full of false promises and false priests.
My temples are the forest glades with branches as vaulting.
My temple is in your body and your mind..worship yourself and you worship me.
My God is a kind God. He does not punish. He does not ask us to seek his forgiveness..
For as I said didn’t he give us free will? So why should he punish us if we exercise it?
Yes I think we should be looking towards heaven but not for the dry empty promises of Christianity which denies and punishes love and human passion..Not for the cruelty and misanthropy of Islam which seeks to kill its own Gods creations…but we should be looking towards heaven as our inspiration. To reach out and explore and to make Heaven ours as we ARE God if we want to be.
Bitterness is so self defeating. So coruscatingly self harming
A seed sewn within your poor sad self…Turning your tenderness to acidity
Your smile to a self pitying frown
Bitterness feeds on itself…Devouring its own tail till eats itself in finality
Total self destruction. Loving hate and other oxymora.
I have learned to not hate….Said it before…Hate is a waste of emotion
Negativity the blessed same…It withers the soul…Destroys our selfness
Karma I believe in and that doesn’t allow for hate…Only experiencing.
What you give will come right back…So be calm. Be placid.
Forgive me or forget me….Don’t hate me