This was written towards the tail end of August this year, obviously before I knew about imminent changes.
Warmth still…In the weather and in my heart
But the nights draw in…even mornings start later
Is this it? Another Summer gone? A last belated burst of colour
This last holiday weekend ahead..A time to think to reminisce
To dream of those early summer days..Glorious outpourings of love
And changes in my life.. And yet now
The late summer blooms in the garden. Filling my heart with joy.
Yet sadness also for I know they will all too soon be gone
The coming nights will be cold and long
This past year has heralded so much change. So much loss.
So much gain..A year of such feeling..yet so much pain
Loved ones…Passed away and walked away.
Yet a new beginning? Yes I suppose
And the last of my summer is this weekend
Oh yes…We will still have good weather..Autumnal though
Indian summer perhaps but it’s still downhill to winters cold mists
Rolling in across fields of damp grass and shedding trees
The smell of burning leaves on bonfires and mornings cold damp dew
Muddy walks through muddy bare fields with mist for breath.
No more swallows or martens…All flown away
And why do I stay?
What do I see in this last summer weekend?
Perhaps renaissance..Perhaps new life from old
And this last remnant of summer..this last coming weekend
I will think…Of my life..Of new friends
Of creativity starting anew
Matt’s new tale..Transcending his old
And knowing his thoughts…yeah he’d relish the cold
Pull up his collar. Home to a scotch. Light up again.
“You have to. he grins…It all keeps me sane.”
Helps to keep playing life’s wicked game.
And so this past year..What have I done
Felt so much loss…But felt so much love
As never before..
And yeah summers last call
Make some decisions
For any friends on here…just a song I find myself listening to a lot lately. Dunno why. Just reminds me.
I personally love Christmas. Not because of it’s quasi religious connotations but because of it’s true meaning.
Christmas as we call it is actually a pagan ceremony. Yes it is. Where in the bible did Christ celebrate with Yule logs, Christmas trees, holly and ivy, mistletoe and all the other modern paraphenalia. These traditions are far older and probably druidic in tradition.
The true Christmas celebrates light from darkness and was set for the shortest day of the year (21 December) it has nothing to do with any virgin birth in the middle east. Basically the church hijacked the ceremony when it realized that it could not persuade the people to stop their true worship. I suppose they summed it up as ‘If you can’t beat them , join them’ and make it ours. As I have explained before religion is the original shyster politics, whether so called christian or islamic.(Lack of capitals intended)
But the true Christmas, or Midwinter festival as it should be called has far more sublimity attached to it than fake christian belief.
Even historians now believe that ancient sites such as Stonehenge did not celebrate midsummer but were astronomical alarm clocks for telling when it was the shortest day, not the longest and celebrating it.
The true Midwinter festival celebrated the changing of the year. From nights getting darker, to days getting longer. A time of spiritual or rather human re-birth. A time to celebrate the start of the run up to spring. Times were hard and they feasted on their stored food as the time to plant new crops arrived and decorated their homes with green things, such as holly and ivy and mistletoe, even fir trees. Probably some of the few green things in the Northern hemisphere in late December. Animals were killed to feast on not merely for ritualistic reason but because the previous years feed stuff would be low or almost out. So the sensible thing would be to kill and eat surplus livestock, keeping any remaining supplies for breeding stock for this new year.
And that is why I celebrate Midwinter festival. Rebirth of humankind. Rebirth of spirit and hope and the happiness of life starting over. Not for some pathetic excuse to force a false middle eastern religion on us all.
What is fear?
For me it is fear of rejection
When you place so much store on a person?
When you don’t know if they feel the same?
You want to pour your heart out to them
But something holds you back.
Fear of rejection
And it can be so hard
And you act the fool.When all the time you want to say
I want you in my life
I made mistakes I know.
But it comes out so differently
Comes out as just a joke
But still fear.
Darkness of a summer’s warm night, but,
Stars so bright, so clear,
Looking up for the moon and no it isn’t there.
Not till later, not till I want it to be I think
And I look back … in anger no.
Anger is not in this vocabulary.
Fear and loss yes in my own lexicon, emptiness even.
Yeah … you know the feeling. We have been there before.
You know. Between loss and sorrow?
That old one way street.
One track mind, as usual, as bloody usual. Yea always.
Visiting lovers graves, long gone … Oh yes long gone.
Disappeared long ago into an ever more black and white past
I want my moon to rise
And always it does
To let me grasp it in my hands, and such hands?
Anonymous unfeeling hands of gold? No.
And God? No gods. Naa… no one up there on the millionth floor loves me.
Cos I never woke up and smelt bloody coffee, not once.
Don’t need caffeine to torture my mind further. Never have
Does it on its sweet lonesome. Pain without stimulus.
Stimulus without pain? Yea I can live with that.
Not easily. Not simply…. But alone.Sometimes.
Sometimes life kind of kicks you in the teeth.
What you thought would happen doesn’t
A friendship you thought would become more than that
Pops like a cheap balloon, well not even a pop
More of a whimper
But my life is full of that occurrence
I do build up expectations, I do believe in things
That never come to pass
I feel such elation at what has never been
And fantasize how things will be. Put my heart on the line maybe.
I find it hard … so hard to put my personal feelings down
To someone I care for.
Perhaps being an only child. A lonely child
Has left me dysfunctional with relationships
I have to put my guard up. Treat my feelings with humour
Play the joker
And a song springs to mind with me
Tears of a clown … So apt as Smokey sang it
His words, my feelings.
These are those words …
“Now if there’s a smile on my face
It’s only there trying to fool the public
But when it comes down to fooling you
Now honey that’s quite a different subject
But don’t let my glad expression
Give you the wrong impression
‘Cause really I’m sad, Oh I’m sadder than sad
Well I’m hurt and I want you so bad
Like a clown I appear to be glad ooh yeah
Well they’re some sad things known to man
But ain’t too much sadder than
The tears of a clown when there’s no one around
Oh yeah, baby baby, oh yeah baby baby
Now if I appear to be carefree
It’s only to camouflage my sadness
And honey to shield my pride I try
To cover this hurt with a show of gladness
But don’t let my show convince you
That I’ve been happy since you
‘Cause I need to go, oh I need you so
Look I’m hurt and I want you to know
For others I put on a show …
Just like Pagliacci did
I try to keep my surface hid
Smiling in the crowd I try
But in a lonely room I cry
The tears of a clown
When there’s no one around, oh yeah, baby baby
Now if there’s a smile on my face
Don’t let my glad expression
Give you the wrong impression
Don’t let this smile I wear
Make you think that I don’t care”
And yeah those words are me.
Words laced with sadness, cheap whiskey and longing for a person you are too afraid to tell you love.
So teenaged and I suppose I am the eternal 55 year old teenager
Kevin and Perry personified
So how can I feel. How do I feel.
Well nothing. I am Virgo I let things ride.
Keep on hiding feelings
Had 55 years experience of that
I keep getting asked… “Why are you an Atheist?”
I am actually I suppose a very Spiritual person but my God is a loving God unlike the Christian/Muslim or similar deist inventions.
My God lives in us, in me, in you and we are part of him..as he is also a part of us
He is all around us in the smallest bacteria and in the largest Galaxy, the microcosm and the macrocosm is God
My God has no earthly church and if he were able to he would laugh at people gathering together to worship him and ask his forgiveness..
This is what I would imagine my God saying
I gave you life and free will. If you think you do wrong then ask forgiveness of yourself and the person you have wronged not me.
I do not want you to worship me in churches of stone or other construction but rather see me and glory in creation as you look to the beauty of the sky, the beauty of this earth, and the beauty of a lover’s touch or a child’s smile.
Churches are sterile places full of false promises and false priests.
My temples are the forest glades with branches as vaulting.
My temple is in your body and your mind..worship yourself and you worship me.
My God is a kind God. He does not punish. He does not ask us to seek his forgiveness..
For as I said didn’t he give us free will? So why should he punish us if we exercise it?
Yes I think we should be looking towards heaven but not for the dry empty promises of Christianity which denies and punishes love and human passion..Not for the cruelty and misanthropy of Islam which seeks to kill its own Gods creations…but we should be looking towards heaven as our inspiration. To reach out and explore and to make Heaven ours as we ARE God if we want to be.
Bitterness is so self defeating. So coruscatingly self harming
A seed sewn within your poor sad self…Turning your tenderness to acidity
Your smile to a self pitying frown
Bitterness feeds on itself…Devouring its own tail till eats itself in finality
Total self destruction. Loving hate and other oxymora.
I have learned to not hate….Said it before…Hate is a waste of emotion
Negativity the blessed same…It withers the soul…Destroys our selfness
Karma I believe in and that doesn’t allow for hate…Only experiencing.
What you give will come right back…So be calm. Be placid.
Forgive me or forget me….Don’t hate me