The Still of the Night.

I loved those shared hours over our years

In the still of the night.

Beside you in the darkness, sweet darkness, sweet nights

I would often lay beside you hearing your soft breathing

Slight murmured words from your dream.

And I would turn and move closer to you

Trying so hard not to disturb you.

My sweet lady

I loved the feeling of your body heat against mine as …

… I rested my hand your on your side and sighed in contentment, in tender love. In utmost pleasure at the feel of your soft skin.

And often I would wake as dawns soft light entered our bedroom

Diffused by curtains but a noticeable grey of a fresh day.

And I was content. I was in love.

With that love beside me

 

But now I sleep alone, in awful isolation

And I awaken and can imagine your gentle breathing still

Ghosts inhabit my nights now

But you are not there, and tears begin to seep from my eyes

At your distance

At my loss.

And now I hate those quiet nights, alone and without you.

Plans unfulfilled, although we could have

Dreams ended. All hope is gone.

All love has left this life now.

And dawns pale grey light only reminds me

I have another day to get through without you.

Until another lonely still night comes.

 

© 2018 Stan M Rogers. All rights reserved.

 

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ANOTHER SLEEPLESS NIGHT (Unanswered)

I pay to live

Every single damned day I pay

A small part of me falls into the debtor column

As a small part of me dies

Every day I reap fear

Of my future

Do I have one?

Do I even deserve one?

Will I survive intact without fear again?

Happiness. Such a normal thing.

We say happiness without even thinking of its meaning.

Is it just a smile? Is it being in a place.

…. Where the heart is content?

Is it being with someone I can love, or trust?

Or having the safety of money in the bank?

…….

….. no. It is peace with myself

Can I ever feel that again?

Can I be at one with me… with the universe?

Can I look at my face in the cold early morning mirror?

As I wash.

…

Even then I ask myself questions.

None can I answer with any satisfaction

None can I answer

None at all.

My life now is unanswered questions.

I even feel an answer may be death.

How I yearn for its sweet sweet arms

To kiss a gun… pull the cold steel trigger

How I wish it would visit me now and take me

In a final kiss

In a last touch of my cold hand

….

Or …

To wash down the brown bottle contents with whiskey

And need to question no more

Sweet bliss of darkness

Sweet finality of life’s unanswerable questions

I swear to myself that I won’t

I swear that I can’t.

But maybe it is the answer I seek.

Perhaps it is the only answer I can possibly hope for

Should I be a coward and refuse my penance?

Should I lay down and allow death to take my soul

… and my fear

… and my eternal unhappiness.

 

© 2018 Stan M Rogers. All rights reserved.

This Darkness.

A dark thing walks beside me

I cannot see it… I cannot touch it

But I know it is there

It stalks me constantly, gradually siphoning away my soul

Oh, it won’t take my life, no not my life

But my mind it will have

My body it doesn’t want.

Each day … each hour … each single killing minute

I lose a little to this murderous thing

My mind loses a little

My future becomes more forlorn

My past? That disappears slowly behind me

Like the daylight on a foggy evening

And I have given it my unshared tears

As stasis settles in

All joy and love diminishes, all happiness has no future

In this empty shell I am becoming

An empty blank book … no feelings … no hope

 

Occasionally I imagine I can feel it touch me, this awful thing

Sometimes I awaken in the dark of night and it stands beside my bed

Dark even against the night

And I know it peers at me … into me

And its touch is not physical, just an iciness I feel within myself

It feels like bitterly cold fingers working their way into my chest

My mind screams noiselessly, fighting the deathly fear

But I have not the strength to fight hard

I just accept my shadow

For it is the shadow of myself.

 

© 2018 Stan M Rogers. All rights reserved.