I pay to live
Every single damned day I pay
A small part of me falls into the debtor column
As a small part of me dies
Every day I reap fear
Of my future
Do I have one?
Do I even deserve one?
Will I survive intact without fear again?
Happiness. Such a normal thing.
We say happiness without even thinking of its meaning.
Is it just a smile? Is it being in a place.
…. Where the heart is content?
Is it being with someone I can love, or trust?
Or having the safety of money in the bank?
….. no. It is peace with myself
Can I ever feel that again?
Can I be at one with me… with the universe?
Can I look at my face in the cold early morning mirror?
As I wash.
Even then I ask myself questions.
None can I answer with any satisfaction
None can I answer
None at all.
My life now is unanswered questions.
I even feel an answer may be death.
How I yearn for its sweet sweet arms
To kiss a gun… pull the cold steel trigger
How I wish it would visit me now and take me
In a final kiss
In a last touch of my cold hand
To wash down the brown bottle contents with whiskey
And need to question no more
Sweet bliss of darkness
Sweet finality of life’s unanswerable questions
I swear to myself that I won’t
I swear that I can’t.
But maybe it is the answer I seek.
Perhaps it is the only answer I can possibly hope for
Should I be a coward and refuse my penance?
Should I lay down and allow death to take my soul
… and my fear
… and my eternal unhappiness.
© 2018 Stan M Rogers. All rights reserved.