I was talking to my baby the other day as she was driving. As usual I was grasping the ‘Oh Shit’ handle as we hurtled our way along the freeway. Now I cannot understand American drivers. They switch from lane to lane at a whim, sometimes cutting across several lanes at once and it seems as if they do it for no reason at all. I presume they must be drunk or on crack. Who knows?
My baby is by now is finding my frequent cries of Oh My God and Oh Sheeeeeiiiiit to be a distraction. The screams and bouts of hysterical crying are starting to get to her too. I cannot understand why American drivers drive so very very close. I mean, it’s not as if the darned roads aren’t big enough. Plenty of room for all but still I find myself pumping away at an imaginary brake pedal frequently as some idiot with a death wish squeezes into the minuscule gap in front of us … again…
I try to think of a solution …
This is it …
American roads are too damned big and too damned wide and there are far too many lanes on them. The same goes for American cars. Why do they have to be soooo huge? Maybe we should do something about it? “But the USA is so big.” Says my baby. “We need lots of big roads to get around.”
Do you? No you don’t. I suggest moving all the cities to one state. Pack all the cities into one big conurbation, maybe call it New Francisco or Los Orleans or something and bulldoze the rest. Then only a few roads would be needed. Dig up the surplus ones. Solved.
Now with present day cars we would have problem on the new mega city roads so we need to make cars smaller and less needed. Most freight would have to be delivered by rail or even canal. Bingo. Lorries taken off the roads and beautiful scenic canals winding through the city and countryside to deliver goods. Our mega city could become a giant beautiful version of Venice. Another problem solved.
How am I doing?
… Good so far?
OK so what about the rest of the USA I hear you ask?
Well how about returning it to a wonderful unspoiled wilderness full of bison, alligators and other nature. We could extend the railways and canals to reach several key holiday regions where people could get back to nature. No roads or cars except for maybe a few small electric ones.
Cycles horses and mules could be used of course so another problem solved. Americans would be fitter. Now I know there would have to be some small towns for example for mines, holiday resorts and rednecks but my solution would be no roads linking them. Brilliant eh. You’d have to fly, float or hike in. The whole west coast could become a road-free series of beach resorts and movie studios. Florida could become a large theme park. Rename Jacksonville Disneyville. Again. No roads and no cars.
And those mega-cities? Build ‘em big but use minimal space. Smaller homes, smaller restaurants, smaller offices in fact why not make everyone work from home? Brilliant.
Factories would of course be fully automated and could be buried under the city. There would be a lot less of them too. No car plants for a start. Oil refineries would be minimal now of course too with little need for gas for the cars. In fact I believe my mega-cities could be totally self-sustaining for energy. Solar power, wind power, geothermal power, and burning the crap and ahem… ’exhaust gases’ of 200 million people would certainly help too.
I did well didn’t I?
And finally. The ultimate small living space.