I have been looking through old memories today in my files. This one just jumped out at me and caused my heart to miss a beat and I just don’t understand it. I am certain it isn’t one my own but so much something I would love to have written. The file save date was December 2009 just before I met Raven for the first time, but the words are so pertinent to how I feel at this time. Its almost as if I had travelled back in time to save it. It moved me so very much that I decided to share it here. It was a photo file also so that is how I shall share it. As they say. Read it and weep. I did.
The end of a relationship? Ours finished just three weeks ago. What a mix of emotions I have felt in those three long, long weeks.
It is I find now so very hard to take in. I thought our love was for life. We were there for each other through life’s journey. We had each other’s backs. I was with the person I loved with all my heart and despite the many pitfalls that we suffered and there were many, within and outside of our marriage we got through. My love for her was never diminished.
And now? Well … nothing. I feel such an enormous chasm of gloom and despondency opening up before me. All of what I thought of were certainties are gone. From having a lover, a friend and confidante to having… well, no-one. I compare my feeling to mourning. I feel as if I have lost a part of my own self.
Yes, we have spent time apart over the past year or two due to my mother’s illnesses. It was hard being apart but always I knew I would return to my soulmate. We talked every day by phone or message and those brief instances of connection helped keep us strong. But now? Nothing… nada.
But three short/long weeks ago I left after a bad argument. I was happy at that time. It was over … I was free. I could get on with life back in the UK. And so I left. It felt at the time like escaping from prison. But I exchanged one prison for a far worse one. And this prison comes with solitary confinement. I do not think I have ever felt such loneliness and dismay.
And so after just three weeks how do I feel? Well I know our marriage is over. I yearn to be back with my baby but I know it would just end in more heartache, for her and me. I don’t believe it would be possible to rekindle what we had before. So there you have it. I love her with all my heart but I have to accept. I have to move on and damn it is hard. So hard it hurts. But that is the way it is. Escape from love. Escape to misery. I will just have to adapt.
© 2016 Stan M Rogers. All rights reserved.
You betrayed me she cried
The tears ran down her face, smeared mascara
Blurred her anguish, was her anguish
How could that be? She thought.
He looked away
Afraid to meet tearful eyes.
No words to answer her statement of fact
How could he refute her. He had.
He had loved her … but still betrayed her
He didn’t know why so he stayed silent.
Felt a tear himself. Felt his own pain. At hers.
He reached out his hand towards her
But stopped halfway. His hand dropped weakly
She saw his attempt through running eyes
An involuntary sigh as his hand withdrew
The cruelty of his indecision. His silence.
More painful than his lie
That he could not reach out for her now
So hard when once it had been so easy.
Yes crushed but she rose.
Some semblance of recovered pride
And turned her back on him.
Her lost lover. And in that moment. That gesture
She put him behind her. For now.
She stared at his week old gift of flowers.
Blues and yellows. Still bright and full of life
In her vase. His flowering inside her it seemed
A sob escaped her. She hadn’t meant to
And she heard the chair scrape behind her as he rose.
Still he said nothing. She wanted to feel those arms one last time
The way they encircled her waist from behind as she prepared food
Or applied make-up … But nothing
Just the sound of the door closing behind him
No good byes. Not really any need.
©2010 Stan Rogers