I pay to live
Every single damned day I pay
A small part of me falls into the debtor column
As a small part of me dies
Every day I reap fear
Of my future
Do I have one?
Do I even deserve one?
Will I survive intact without fear again?
Happiness. Such a normal thing.
We say happiness without even thinking of its meaning.
Is it just a smile? Is it being in a place.
…. Where the heart is content?
Is it being with someone I can love, or trust?
Or having the safety of money in the bank?
…….
….. no. It is peace with myself
Can I ever feel that again?
Can I be at one with me… with the universe?
Can I look at my face in the cold early morning mirror?
As I wash.
…
Even then I ask myself questions.
None can I answer with any satisfaction
None can I answer
None at all.
My life now is unanswered questions.
I even feel an answer may be death.
How I yearn for its sweet sweet arms
To kiss a gun… pull the cold steel trigger
How I wish it would visit me now and take me
In a final kiss
In a last touch of my cold hand
….
Or …
To wash down the brown bottle contents with whiskey
And need to question no more
Sweet bliss of darkness
Sweet finality of life’s unanswerable questions
I swear to myself that I won’t
I swear that I can’t.
But maybe it is the answer I seek.
Perhaps it is the only answer I can possibly hope for
Should I be a coward and refuse my penance?
Should I lay down and allow death to take my soul
… and my fear
… and my eternal unhappiness.
© 2018 Stan M Rogers. All rights reserved.
Stan M Rogers 