Life. Am I having one now? I suppose not. I often search for a word to describe my feelings of late and I think hollow is the best I can come up with. I feel so so empty. Each day that passes by is now a chore. Just a fight to get through another day without negative feelings overwhelming me.I have entered the world of online dating, I think initially to find that perfect loving person. ‘The One.’ And after another attempt at a date today I have come close to just forgetting it all. I cannot help myself but from the moment I actually meet someone I find myself comparing them to her. None of them are her and that is why I think I will stop bothering. They just seem so ‘ordinary ‘? Just so much disappointment, so many feelings of loss and that feeling that I am unworthy of anybody and everybody. I really think I am living in a fool’s paradise at times to even consider there is someone else out there for me. What could I possibly offer someone?
Life is not a total disappointment at this moment. I have lost 20lbs in weight and 4 inches from my waist. I can get into clothes I never thought would ever fit me again. In a way it is like having a whole new wardrobe. I am fitter and walk miles everyday. But that is my only real success.
I have tried to rekindle my love of writing but none of the three novels I am working on seem to fire up any great enthusiasm for me. I do get odd flashes of inspiration, usually at the oddest times of day and poor Leystan and Matt seem to be having a torrid time of it lately. But wisely it seems that Gerros is staying out of it. I seem to find inspiration mostly in my poetry but on reviewing it, it seems to be so sparse and lacking in the feeling I could once inject into it. Bare bones feelings wrapped up in few clothes as it were. It is lacking in the emotions I could once summon and I suppose it mirrors my own life in its emptiness.Its emotionlessness. Is that a word?
And so my hollowness continues. It seems unfillable, unforgiving … and without end or resolution.
I do miss my one so very much. Our photos still hang on my wall. I keep telling myself that I should take them down… but well. I can’t. Sometimes they mock me. The happiness in those faces that represent the past now I suppose, seem to say. “You fucked up. Now suck it up cupcake.” And my old 2010 face is like a stranger to me. Some poor happy bastard not knowing, not realising what the future held in store for him. Lost before he knew it. So innocent. So loving, but lost before he knew it.
Sometimes they fill me with unbelievable feelings of joy that I experienced so much happiness with one person. Yes. My one. My hope. My happiness. And it was happiness. Questioned sometimes but I think I always did feel that how could I be so content? How could I accept promises so freely given, so eagerly accepted despite those niggling doubts that I did not deserve them. I was after all Chameleon. Hiding doubt behind a shit eating grin.Hiding as always behind a smile. Behind platitudes. But life IS a bitch and schadenfreude is a bitch too. It always rears its ugly little head in my life. I have learned that over and over. Zeitgeist always beaten by that mean little bastard schadenfreude. As always seems to be the case. Chameleon becomes a false face of mere defiance, self defence against hurt. But what is hope without substance?
And now? Well I wish I could say love beckons. I wish I could say I will look forward to starting over my my love. I wish I could say I am at the bottom of the hill of depression. I wish I could say “ I don’t care. I don’t give a fuck.” I wish I could say in a lovers words, “ There, there. Everything will be alright.” I wish I could say “Get up and fight. Get a life.”
But I can’t. I have lost the fight for I feel I have nothing to fight for any longer. I find my self slipping into the mire and I fear it IS tinged with self pity and self deprecation.and I do not want pity. I can’t handle that. Self pity is deplorable. But nonetheless I feel it although I do fight it tooth and nail.
And so again. What does my future hold? It could hold so much but at this moment it holds nothing. Not the slightest glimmer of hope and I feel I will get a lot lower before I hit rock bottom.