It’s not easy learning to be alone again. It is frustrating, lonely and seemingly endless. I love the freedom I have now, but at times the silence in my mind overwhelms me. Don’t get me wrong, being free at last of an abusive relationship is wonderful. I am no longer subjected to the feeling that I am walking on eggshells, knowing that I will break some at any time and suffer the consequences.
But being free of that feeling is not everything. I miss the things I had in the past. I miss mutual friendship. I miss the hugs and the gentle kisses. It is not something I have experienced in a long time but I miss the feeling of comfort in a relationship.
But I am starting to win at this being alone thing. I don’t want to get used to it but I will.
Yesterday I flew my drone. The sun shone, birds sang and the sight of daffodils along the path I took were uplifting. For a while I felt pleasure. Such pleasure at being out alone, enjoying the day, mastering drone flying, even enjoying a cigarette. Such freedom and joy that really I haven’t known in the past few years. Master of my own destiny. My future was solely my own choice. I held my own destiny in my hands and for that brief hour the clouds of loneliness started to break up just a little. It is a cliche I know but I felt at one with the world.
I do still miss being with a woman. I miss that closeness and tenderness of being with someone that I feel safe with. And I am sure that one day that woman will come along, take my hand and lead me to happiness. And that silence in my mind will end.