The end of a relationship? Ours finished just three weeks ago. What a mix of emotions I have felt in those three long, long weeks.
It is I find now so very hard to take in. I thought our love was for life. We were there for each other through life’s journey. We had each other’s backs. I was with the person I loved with all my heart and despite the many pitfalls that we suffered and there were many, within and outside of our marriage we got through. My love for her was never diminished.
And now? Well … nothing. I feel such an enormous chasm of gloom and despondency opening up before me. All of what I thought of were certainties are gone. From having a lover, a friend and confidante to having… well, no-one. I compare my feeling to mourning. I feel as if I have lost a part of my own self.
Yes, we have spent time apart over the past year or two due to my mother’s illnesses. It was hard being apart but always I knew I would return to my soulmate. We talked every day by phone or message and those brief instances of connection helped keep us strong. But now? Nothing… nada.
But three short/long weeks ago I left after a bad argument. I was happy at that time. It was over … I was free. I could get on with life back in the UK. And so I left. It felt at the time like escaping from prison. But I exchanged one prison for a far worse one. And this prison comes with solitary confinement. I do not think I have ever felt such loneliness and dismay.
And so after just three weeks how do I feel? Well I know our marriage is over. I yearn to be back with my baby but I know it would just end in more heartache, for her and me. I don’t believe it would be possible to rekindle what we had before. So there you have it. I love her with all my heart but I have to accept. I have to move on and damn it is hard. So hard it hurts. But that is the way it is. Escape from love. Escape to misery. I will just have to adapt.
© 2016 Stan M Rogers. All rights reserved.