It was too easy ya know. One day one of my friends took me too a vaping session. Ah had always promised mama that ah’d never get hooked on the demon vape so ah was con-fi-dent ah wouldn’t but ah did.
Ah started innocently enough just a few puffs on a buddy’s vap -oh- rizer but ah was hooked. Ah plucked up my courage one day helped by a jar of great gramma’s homebrew and walked into my local to-bac-oh shop. Ah wore grandpaw’s best wig so nobuddy would recargnise me and ordered one of those thar e-lec-tronic doo dabs. It was one a those de-spose-able ones. It was called an nJoy ah think.
Wouldn’t do any harm I guessed. Just a few puffs and ah’d git rid of the dang thing after ah’d tried it.
But ya know what? Danged if I didn’t puff that thang dry and go buy another one. Ah soon had a habit and ah was puffin’ away on ma old steam stick all day long. Ah hid it from the folks of course but ah was soon a ten a week dude. Man I was suckin’ on those babies like cousin Emmy’s kid on her teat. (Ah rememba that well. Ah think she was in fifth grade at that time.) Grandpaw denied it was his and we tend to believe the old buzzard as Grandmaw says he’s been firing blanks for years.
Grandpaw.
Now ah had always been warned that those danged e-lec-tronic doo dabs could lead to harder things and ah needed to up the steam. Those nJoys just simply wasn’t cutting the danged mustard. And ah was purdy well hooked by now so ah went looking for some of that doggone harder stuff.
Ah bought me one of those Kanger eVod thingummy jigs. Ah bought the darn thang on-line so no-one would guess ah had a habit. Goddammit that thang sure hit the sweet spot. Ah would often load my dawg up in ma truck and head out to the top 40 to enjoy my steam. Shucks. You jes can’t beat it. Ah was as happy as ma dawg Barack humping my leg. Ah don’t rightly know what breed he is but Grandpaw reckon’s he’s a Mississippi Leg Hound. He sure do like to eat too. We often find old Barack ass up in the garbage bin looking fa scraps.
Ma Dawg Barack.
He even got the blame when our neighbour Mary Ellen’s dawg disappeared last year. She had one of them thar little fluffy things. Ah think she called it a Shit Sue. Damned if ah know why but I know Barack was shitting hairballs for three days after the lil critter went missing.
Last Known Pic of Mary Ellen’s Shit Sue
One day ah was up thar sucking on my favorite juice mix at the time (80% nic-o-tine, 10% bourbon and 10% anti-freeze) when I bumped into Grandpaw. Barack was so happy he went to greet the old-timer. Grandpaw let him finish then came and sat beside me. Turns out he’s a dang vaper too. “Ya know what Billy Bob he says. That bunch a no goods up thar in Wash-ing-tun are trying to outlaw this vaping. It’s downright un-a-murcan if ya ask me. That Prezeden O’Bama … he sure got a lot to answer for. You jes can’t trust an Irishman I swear.” Grandpaw spat to show his displeasure.
But ah digress. Ma habit got worse. Ah needed more steam. I started building ma own vaporizers. Now those danged things are tricky. Ah kept settin’ fire to thangs. Got ta be so bad that the Local Fire Department would station a fire truck perm-a-nent-ly outside our trailer. Ah set fire to it, to the garage, to the truck and even to Grandpaw once. But ah think ah have the hang of it now.
Dang, This vaping is dangerous.
Ah needs plenty of power for ma vaping habit so I use four Chevy Truck Batteries in series connected to ma tank which is one of Great Grandmaws old whisky stills. Ah have re-fined my juice now to 50% nic-o-tine and 50% rocket fuel. Dang that sure hits the spot. Ah have to be careful tho. Last week I wiped out half of the town after the dang thing exploded. Luckily ah was out in the truck shootin’ varmints with my cousins Billy-Bob and Billy-Bob at the time but hell that fireball sure was spec-tac-u-lar. Yessir, Barack even stopped humping Billy Bob for a minute when it went up.
Ah got kicked outta town after this one
Ma cousins Billy-Bob and Billy-Bob
Ah have had to move to another State now. The Sheriff run me out so I am living in a fine trailer in Nohope, Kentucky with ma sister Mary Sue. That’s her in tha picture with our baby Billy-Bob. She sure is purdy aint she?
Me n ma Sister Mary Sue with our lil Billy-Bob
But ah still have my vaping habit. It has got so danged bad now that I sit in small dark rooms uploading How To Rebuild Your Vap-o-rizer in-strucshun-al videos to YouTube. Ah even had ma hands tattooed special like by Mary Sue but the I LOVE BARACK one seems to be gen-er-ratin’ me a lotta hate mail. Shucks he’s ma dawg guys.
So all you potential vapers out thar. Beware. This here vaping is kinda a-dic-tive. Ah should know.
© 2014 Stan M (Billy-Bob) Rogers. All rights reserved.
Stan M Rogers 