This morning me and the Raven were out and about and decided to take our breakfast at Bob Evans. (Billy Bob’s as I call it.) You know how it is. You just enjoyed a Farmers Special, that’s Sausage Links, Two Eggs, Home Fries, Pancakes, Blueberries, Syrup and Whipped Cream. You are just loosening the belt a few notches and swilling down your third cup of coffee and some chance remark starts a conversation. Not just a conversation but a CONVERSATION that could in your own eyes be a great idea.
Today we talked about cars and how we might change the car industry for ever. Now most things in life we buy are marketed towards men or women. We have men and women’s clothes, magazines, toiletries etc etc and logically why not cars as well I argued? I am really gonna run with this and an email will shortly be on it’s way to Mr Chevrolet, Mr Honda and all. I will be seeking a commission of course as this will put the first adopter of my idea’s way ahead in automotive sales. The best offer will win.
It went something like this.
WELCOME TO THE ALL NEW 2012 CHEVROLET.
This years revolutionary new Chevy comes in two separate identities. The bodies and engines have the same specs but the new Chevy Biatch and Chevy Dude come with different trims and options.
The Biatch comes with extra thick fenders to allow for ‘the ladies’ method of parking. It will also feature an automatic audible “OUCH” warning on impact.
The Biatch is available in Neon Pink. Champagne Pink, Cerise, Margaritas Metallic Green and Diamond White. Tyres will now be known as footwear and will come in matching colours. No boring black for you ladies. Buy more than one set. Mix and match your styles according to the occasion or the season. The standard fitted tires will feature a ‘ Laura Ashley‘ Floral design.
The Dude comes in Black or Silver and is available with Colt 45 Pearl Inlay door handles and removable cow horns instead of a front fender. Tyres will be available in an exciting range of styles including Stars and Stripes and Desert Camo. Doors can be specified at time of order to be painted with either Old Glory or a Confederate flag.
This is where the ALL NEW 2012 CHEVROLET really shines. Individually designed cockpits for both sexes.
The Biatch comes sumptuously carpeted in pink with matching fluffy seat covers and steering wheel. There are no built in warning lights or a speedometer as we know how distracting they can be to the gals. Instead all warning lights will be replaced by voice information and can also be sent to your iPhone by text so you won’t miss them while you are driving.
Warning commands will include.
“You have a flat. Find a man.”
“Your oil is low. Find a man.
“Your brake pads need replacing. Find a man.”
“Your lip gloss needs touching up.”
“Mascara running low warning.”
“Hair getting messed up. Please close window.”
The Biatch will also include as standard an extra head level mirror for those make up refurbishment moments , a handy built in lipstick holder and a convenient cocktail shaker/holder for those longer trips.
Optional extras will include a dashboard TV for catching up with your favourite soaps while driving the free-way and the revolutionary new automatic tampon replacement module. (Please ensure this is disabled if your man is driving). The Biatch is also available with the all new 3 speed vibrating seat option/tissue dispenser. Also in the pipeline is an all new hair drier with it’s own snap in compartment for easy usage and a ‘Rabbit’ auto recharge dock.
The all new Dude includes our exciting new concept, THEAUTOFINGER® .This exciting new feature is our latest multi function in car device and can be used for butt scratching, nose picking and even for external use where it can be extended upwards and outwards for friendly advice to other drivers while on the move.
Other features include the handy new beer holder/cooler for those ‘dry’ moments and an ergonomically designed bollock pillow seat attachment for those ‘bumpier’ roads. Also in the pipeline is the lower seat back fart extraction system. Cleverly designed in case of ladies travelling with you (Not Available in Mississippi or Arkansas or some districts of Ohio) this unit will noiselessly suck away any embarrasing odours but the clever part of the design is in the computerised storage system that will allow the farts to be returned to the Dude’s interior for nasal pleasure later on when the car is ‘Gal-Free’.
Seats are upholstered in pure beaver skin plush and the instrument system has been fitted with extra dials and guages some of which for instance will light up and flash at higher speeds. The Speedo will also say “Go For It Dude.” at 90 mph and then start to play Hank Williams songs.
THE ALL NEW 2012 CHEVY comes with it’s own built in Navigation and combined Entertainment System with state of the art electronics.
Apart from playing your favourite tunes the Biatch’s navigation system has beautifully built in pearl effect emergency buttons that come with pre-programmed directions in case of an accident. These will include the nearest locations for Emergency Hairdressers, Manicurist’s, Gynaecologists etc and also has one self programmable button which can be used for your own requirements ie Make-Up store, Rabbit battery replacement or even Breakdown services.
Both the Dude and Biatch come with safety in mind. A multi exterior warning system is standard. Instead of the normal boring horn
The Dude comes with The Wolf Whistle, “Yo Dude. High Five.” and the all new random Fart/Belch/Out a My Way Bitch warning.
Both models come with multi-point air-bags (designed to resemble breasts in the Dude and Justin Bieber in the Biatch) and on deployment an emergency alcoholic drink dispenser will be actuated to calm those frazzled nerves with a large slug of 100 proof vodka. (In the Dude the Fart Return system will also be automatically de-activated as a non required distraction)
Both models will be available in dealerships near to you soon.
© 2011 Stan Rogers. All rights reserved.