St Patrick’s Day dawned bright and sunny and I awoke with a strong urge to eat corned beef and cabbage washed down with green beer. I tickled my lovely coleen awake and bounded from my bed ready to do justice to the great day.
I arose and looked for me pipe but none was available so I had to make do with a cigarette. I couldn’t find me shilelagh either so sadly I dressed and Faffy the leprechaun was ready.I just had to be careful not to set me beard alight when I lit my fags.
Me and me lovely leprechaunette headed out the door in search of a leprechaun watering hole. We drove and Faffy saw a sign for the fair city of Dublin but his leprechaunette told him that this was the USA and the real Dublin was many miles distant beyond the end of the rainbow. Faffy was sad.
But we found a great place called The Cladagh in Columbus’ fair city. It was a lovely sight, full of other leprechauns enjoying our lovely day. As soon as we entered we obtained green beer and as is usual with the verdant brew me hair changed colour to match. Begorrah.
Faffy was happy and had even seen a leprechaunamobile as he entered although he frowned at it’s lack of greenness. Faffy was told he looked like ZZ O’Top but excused himself from that as he didn’t know any of the O’Top family or their dog ZZ.
Faffy was grabbed to have his photo taken and then taken by his colleen to find a seat for some serious leprechaun fare. Bejasus they had the holy corned beef and cabbage but Faffy decided to try the Jameson Burger instead laced with an Irish whiskey sauce. And delicious it was too. Jolly Irish music played and Faffy enjoyed his food and Green beer. But all too soon it was time to leave.
Faffy enjoyed the stares and smiles of other drivers as he was taken to the shops and congratulated his leprechaunette on her ability to avoid startled drivers as they swerved when they saw Faffy.
And so we went to some wondrous place called Giant Turkey where Faffy enjoyed shopping for delicacies although his colleen had to stop him from bothering a butter nut squash.
Faffy smiled at the people wishing him traditional leprechaun greetings such as ‘Happy St Patrick s Day’, ‘Éirinn go Brách‘ and ‘Feckin’ Weirdo!’. Oh it was a jolly time but Faffy had to leave and his colleen took him down to the woods to play and maybe find a rainbows end that had a crock of gold rather than the usual crock of sh*t.
Many people greeted Faffy there asking him if they’d seen him in the parade earlier but Faffy explained that he had more serious business (the pub) and went on his way singing his colleen a jolly Irish ditty. As is usual on this magical day Faffy performed the ancient leprechaun ceremony of Anointing the Tree with Holy Water but was informed by his colleen that in Ameriky this was called ‘Piddling behind A Tree’ and somewhat frowned upon. And so Faffy zipped up the magical shillelagh and moved on.
Next Faffy met up with a group of mums with their youngsters. He chatted briefly before walking on. “Bet he’s not a real one.” he heard them say but before he could argue he was led off by his lovely Colleen.
And next Faffy was taken to a magical sun parlour where he got to lay under mystical purple bulbs. It was such an exhilarating feeling that Faffy sang another merry Irish ditty as he emerged from the sun room. But he was told that a beard and green hair were insufficient clothing for this establishment and had to re-enter to put clothes back on.
And so it approached the end of Faffy’s lovely Oirish day out and full of green beer he was led home again tipping his hat to the other drivers on the way. At home Faffy undressed ready for bed trying not to trap his shillelagh in his green braces and took one last look at The St Patrick’s Day tree magically lit up in the corner and reminded himself that it had to be taken down on St When I Can Be Arsed Day.
And with that Faffy brushed pieces of Jameson Burger from his rancid green beer stained beard at the insistence of his lovely leprechaunette and fell into bed to dream leprechaun dreams until next year.
Éirinn go Brách…..© 2011 Stan Rogers. All rights reserved.