I Gave It Away.
Yes. I hurt
You hurt me
And you enjoyed my pain.
It really gave you joy
Didn’t it.
Sit on a bar step
Watching cars drive by
Red lights at the stop sign
Voices in the night walking by
As I drain one to many beers
In this hot night
The smell of food cooking … nearby
A couple walk by. Talking loudly
I smile. Sense their feelings
His anger… her resentment
As their raised voices pass away into the distance
Strangely I can still hear her heels on the cracked sidewalk
Long after their voices die
Did I learn? Yes I did.
Damn. I learned well
Another cigarette. Another contemptuous sigh
Time for whisky. And remembrance
Knowing I won’t find my way home tonight
The hot night stifles me. My mind. My thoughts
Wish it would rain
And wash this part of town clean
But it won’t and the sweat runs down my back
Soaked shirt.
It’s painful to rise. To enter the loveless bar.
My place. My hell. My penance.
Music playing from within.
Wrenching my heart from my chest
But I can only smile
And order whisky
Throw cash over the bar
Sit down in a bulbless corner
Relishing the dark. Comfortable in shadow
I only need the courage to say Yes I can do this and the strength to say No I am not afraid.
But I fail myself
I feel myself in ruins
Tears won’t come
Just shaking. The pain of numbness
No answers to questions asked
Just dumbness
Loss of my own mind
And respect? Ha. No
I didn’t lose it. I gave it away …
© 2010 Stan Rogers
